For You, My Love

It is not possible for me to not miss you,

When you are all that I have...

And all that I need.

It is not possible for me to hold you now,

Had to leave and go many miles away...

This is not permanent, but only a phase, indeed.

It is not possible for me to get what I want,

Life pulled me in a different direction...

Have to control my mind, have to mislead.

It is not possible for me to stop the worrying,

Future remains unknown, unseen...

When every day I see my heart bleed.

It is not possible for me to blame anyone else

For what happens with me, with us...

Taking responsibility is my creed.

It is not possible for me to show I feel,

That is seen as weakness...

Emotions are not linked to men of my breed.

It is not possible for me to feel complete without you,

Although life has been kind to me…

Wanting more…wanting you, is not greed.

It is not possible for me...

Flashlight Leadership

There is enough and more that has been written about differences between leadership and management and about leaders and managers. There is also a lot written about the purpose of leadership and about how to become a good leader. All the literature available also offers great deal on different styles of leadership - servant leadership (not a new concept, introduced in 1970) is one that's been in-focus recently...a.k.a. has become a buzzword!

Here are my 2-cents on the subject of leadership, where I introduce another style of leadership - flashlight leadership.

At the heart of leadership is "sense-giving"...i.e., helping people around you to understand what's going on, what are they expected to do, what can they do, what should they do, where can / will all this lead to, and the "why" for all of it. 

To begin with, a leader has to make sense, following that leadership is about providing guidance, finding a way forward and sense-giving. However, anyone who can make sense but not help others do the same (by sense-giving) may be a good problem identifier and problem solver, but definitely not a good leader. Helping, guiding and, at times, pushing people in the right direction is the role of a leader. Role of leader is definitely not to make / add more followers.

Leadership is not about providing answers, it is not about solving problems - it is an empowering tool that allows people facing problems to broaden their reach and perspective, use collaborative approach and work on problems to improve their scenario at the very least. Similarly, flashlight is an empowering tool when people find themselves engulfed in darkness, not knowing where they are, where can they find a path and what obstacles lie ahead.

Although it is not always understood - leadership is neither a position nor a designation. It is an attitude, a mindset. Thus, it is not necessary that flashlight leadership shall be displayed by people holding top-of-pyramid positions. In a scenario where top-of-pyramid gets too detached from on-ground reality - flashlight leadership usually crops up amongst middle / junior management. Using their experience, along with their understanding of nature of problem, and gathering others around them for counsel - flashlight leaders are able to throw light inside a darkroom and find the hidden solution (or a way to the solution).

Keith Grint has an interesting take on this subject. According to him, different type of problems demand different kind of problem-solving styles...and leadership is one such style. Keith has identified 3 types of problems - tame, critical and wicked. Tame problems need good management, critical problems need a commander and wicked problems need a leader.

Tame problems are almost like everyday problems, regular problems, someone has gone through such problems before and thus would know the solution, don't necessarily need creativity of mind - only execution of the plan. For all such problems, good management will suffice. Good management will find the right person to solve the problem, provide resources as needed and ensure execution of proposed solutions to the problem that needs solving. The requirement is to find the right answers to the problems - role of good management.

Critical problems are more urgent in nature, and can be understood as a "crisis". In such problem-scenarios there is usually not much time available for thinking, discussing, searching for alternative options. It falls on the shoulders of person-in-command to think of answers, give orders and get people moving as she / he feels is best in that situation. The requirement is to be a quick decision-maker, as there may not be enough time to find the right answer - role of a commander.

Wicked problems are easiest understood as the ones that have no obvious solution. Think: global warming! These are complex problems, which may not solved without changing the environment they exist in. Such problems are typically not only new for the people facing them, but also people facing such problems may not know anyone who has dealt with similar problems. It is thus imperative for responsible people to ask the right questions, because the right answers are neither obvious nor necessarily available. Requirement is of collaborative approach, bringing experts from different fields together to address the problem - role of a leader.

One can now link the two - Keith Grint's take on role of leadership when managing wicked problems, and what I call as light leadership style. A single beam from light is often sufficient to give hope and courage to those who are lost in darkness. A single beam from light can help in sense-making, which is sense-giving. A single beam from light can bring people together, working in one direction, each person bringing a different ability-set and expertise.

It is possible that all qualities could lie in the same person - good management when dealing with everyday problems, commanding ability in case a crisis hits and flashlight leadership when people find themselves in abject darkness, not knowing what to do, where to go or how to find a way out of this darkness. Also, it is possible that different situations demand different leadership styles -  few options are shared in the cartoon below :)

Life: As I See It

Life throws us off,

Challenges us to be better.

Puts unprecedented pressures on us,

To win our bread & butter.

Life is seemingly unfair,

Rarely giving us the reward we seek.

There are undeserving winners all-around,

Future often looks bleak.

Life is far from a smooth ride,

A constant bumpy-road ahead.

There are no short-cuts or u-turns,

No place to rest, not even a bed.

Life is an inexplicable phenomenon,

We can neither explain nor understand.

No perspective can suggest otherwise,

No outlook can change the listed bad.

Life is an experience, at best,

Worse, it is a struggle and a pain.

In all this life-partner could be the greatest boon,

Or, oh-dear-lord, the biggest bane.

Life does give us glimpses and a taste,

Of the good and the bad.

We, via our expectations and acceptance

Make life's experiences happy-ones or sad.

Life is a journey,

Without set duration or destination.

Find good company and enjoy the ride, 

Without worry or question.

Life is a gift that not many get,

To be accepted graciously.

Whether with a smile or a frown

It is our choice, entirely.

Life is to be lived,

That in itself is its purpose - the "why".

To make the most of starry nights,

To smell the flowers, and enjoy the deep blue sky.

Acceptance: An Under-valued Gift

Doesn't the cartoon above describe it all? Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting it is only the woman who wants to change 'her' man - acceptance (or lack of it) works both ways. I believe that acceptance is the biggest gift we could get (and give), yet it is the most under-valued.

I have been in a relationship for 21 years now - in these years there have been many instances when I have been asked (and have asked myself) that "why my life-partner is so important for me...why do I love her so much?". The more I think of answers to these questions, the more I push myself to drill down to multiple levels of "whys" - to reach the core of my reasons - the more I have come to realise that my reason is simple: because she accepts me for who I am. Period!

Think about it - how relieving and easy it is to be with someone who allows you to be you, with whom you don't (ever...at all) need to / want to pretend and whose life's purpose is not to change you (on the pretext of improving you)?

Once again, don't get me wrong - I am not suggesting that I haven't changed because of my life-partner in the 21 years that we have been together - obviously I have changed over the years. As the cliché goes - change is the only constant. My point is - I have always felt loved, wanted and most importantly accepted - with all my shortcomings and faults. 

Since acceptance works both ways - I have also come to understand my part in the equation. It is my responsibility to accept my life-partner as she is. When I looked at accepting my life-partner in toto, I came face-to-face with some changes that I needed to make in my way of life so that our life together could improve. Interestingly, this made me realise how much my life-partner must have changed her way of life in order to accept me. We both changed in our own ways - all the while adjusting our personal lives to accept the other person and improving our life together. If that's not love - then I don't know what is!

I would like to extend this concept to include accepting our own-self for who we are why we are who we are, and finding peace with it. Actually, acceptance starts with this - if one doesn't know self, understand the why of self and accept it - one cannot be accept another person in her / his life. It is silly to not accept our-own-self but still expect another person to. If the other person doesn't, then blame them of trying to change you.

Accept your-own-self, start with this...put in the effort by introspection, observation and reflection - then provide the best gift you can - accepting your life-partner (or who-so-ever you would like to give this gift to). If you are lucky, you will get this gift in return and you would have found your "perfect-match". It is as simple, and just as difficult, as this!

Finally - as another cliché goes: you two can live-happily-ever-after.