I am not sure...

Is it that my wings have been clipped,

Or I don't allow my thoughts to fly?

Is it out of my league,

Or I am afraid to try?

Is it me who is alone now,

Or I don't want to take other's support & rely?

Is it seeking the impossible,

Or my well is indeed running dry?

Is the pressure building up,

Or my over-thinking causing problems to multiply?

Is the heat unmanageable now,

Or my temperament is on the fry?

Is it that things are serious all around,

Or my sense of humour is in short-supply?

Is it me in the mirror,

Or a far cry?

Reading is Fuel for Thinking Brain

I wouldn't classify myself as a more-than-average-curious-guy, but I have always taken pride in possessing a thinking brain - a brain that likes to get deep with issues that either excited me or troubled me at a personal level...and there have always been more of the latter than the former.

I understood quickly that I am not a reader of news & analysis to keep abreast with the latest around the world. Rather, I understood myself as a student of human nature, of love, of philosophies, of life.

There is a remarkable contribution that reading has had in my life. When I started reading beyond course books (in VI standard), to when I was reading all the time in college and even now, when I read once in a while - people who understand me, can see the impact reading has had on my life. From the obvious aspect of improving language, to my thinking, my attitude, my introduction to love, to certain extent my nature as well - reading has influenced all (obviously, in varied degrees).

Year 2014 has been the first that I have read more non-fiction than fiction. Some of what I have read has been about Indian history, about people who shaped history (Gandhi & Jinnah), about American war on terror, about rockstars & sportsmen (post-break-up Beatles & Rubin "Hurricane' Carter)...every such book opened up my mind to new perspectives of life, to new ideas, to new philosophies, to new dimensions of life. Something, in my opinion, fiction can't fulfill alone!

Now that I am trying to maintain this blog - I need more influences, more experiences...thus - I simply know, I need to read more. After all, reading is fuel for thinking brain!

Peace of Mind

What do I need to do to feel better?
What can I do, I hurt my pride?


It is my heart that's become unsteady...
When will I stop feeling empty & dissatisfied?


I am still wondering, still stuck with "what if"!
Will the pain ever subside?


Where will this feeling take me?
Can I just find a place to lay low & hide?


It has become dark around me...
Will the Sun come out again, make it bright outside?


How does one put this behind?
How does one achieve peace of mind?

Accepting Human Imperfection & Hypocrisy

If I have to think of one word that fits all humans accurately, then I would say it is 'imperfect'. If I have to think more, pick another word, then I would pick 'hypocrite'. Unfortunately, I can't think of word with positive meaning or even connotation - to fit accurately across all. Not every one is kind / friendly / jovial / loving / selfless / giver ... I am sure I have put the point across w.r.t. positive connotation words fitting all humans...they can't!

Few weeks ago - I wrote a short poem to describe some of my thoughts on human imperfection. The reason I am writing again on the subject is because I don't think this idea has been dealt with in depth that it demands. Also, I now have another angle to discuss - hypocrisy added with imperfection...this makes us, humans, quite the special one!

In any interaction between two humans - both of these aspects, imperfection & hypocrisy, play their respective roles. It is important to note here that these aspects vary from person to person and interaction to interaction. Person X, when interacting with Person Y could display an entirely different combination of imperfection & hypocrisy, than when interacting with Person Z.

There is an added complication - who decides what is perfect? Whose idea of perfection is perfect and thus should become the benchmark?

We all create our own definitions, basis our roots, our upbringing, our social network, our own outlook, our own beliefs and our own idea of perfection...because of this, it is hardly possible to find people fitting in our mould of perfection, perfectly!

It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone to have me say that no human is perfect and also, all humans have some level of hypocrisy in-built! Actually, the ones who would believe they are perfect, would be the ones to have highest level of hypocrisy as well...

Let's bring back Persons X & Y, within their interactions we can see hypocrisy at play. Let's say that Person X does not like Person Y's religious bent of mind - going to temples, keeping fasts...however, Person X is superstitious enough to still go to the temple on one particular day of the week - just because he's been asked to go by an astrologer. If Person X is okay to go to the temple (for what ever reason - obviously not backed by any reason or logic) - then there shouldn't be any problem with Person Y's faith & interest in religion.

Fact of the matter is - we are not only hypocrite with things we claim about ourselves, but also about what we allow others to do in front of us. Hypocrisy can be at play in a slightly different manner too - Person X doesn't like Person Y going to the temples, but, is okay with Person Z doing the same. This could happen between boss & team (favouritism does happen in offices), this could happen between parents & their more than 1 children, this could happen between friends...which ever interaction we can think of - I am confident that selective hypocrisy plays some role in that interaction.

In my opinion accepting both, imperfection & hypocrisy within ourselves - is the first step towards better-understanding our interactions with others. Without this acceptance, we can never understand how we possibly could be wrong, how the other person is not all that wrong...how we can improve on things as they stand today. Without this - we will either lose company of good friends, good team members or - lose their respect for us.

'Perfect-for-each-other' people will not necessarily make perfect relationships...however, imperfect people who are willing to work on their relationships, will manage a perfect one!

The good part of both - imperfection & hypocrisy, is that they allow for a plenty of room for improvement...we just need to be open to accept, change & improve.

I have been...I still...

I have been hopeless

I have been alone

No company, not even a sound

I have been pushed back

I have been down in the abyss

Lying gagged & bound

I have been beaten

I have been cut open

Left bleeding on the ground

I still lived through & survived

I still believed

Got up...refused to be drowned

I still thought of you

I still saw a reason to smile

Thanked the love I had found

I still am scared

I still have sleepless nights

Comfort is having you around

Is Anything 'Real'?

I have often wondered why is this life the way it is, which I am sure is not unique to me. The questions - 'what is life / what is real / do I really exist', do make their presence felt in my mind. There are a couple of reasons for me to write this post: one, I have been thinking & writing about life, reality, pain and similar things - making this post only natural and two (more importantly), earlier today I saw the movie Inception again (on TV).

There are two movies that have left me with a feeling that, probably, what we consider our world, our reality, is all a game for somebody - or worse, a joke! 

I was in college when The Matrix came out and for the first time, after seeing the movie - I walked out questioning if indeed what I considered as real, was real! Before I saw this movie, I had never questioned my surroundings, my environment, my reality - as I lived. Needless to say questioning the reality didn't last long and, obviously, I didn't get any answers to help me understand anything better - neither about the reality, nor about possibility of my existence inside 'the matrix'!

However, impact of this movie has been strangely strong still. Till date I wonder if I am nothing more than a small part of a ginormous game making me, somehow, inconsequential. This is an important feeling, especially when I feel ginormous pressure of things not going my way. If I accept that I am inconsequential in the larger scheme of things, then my problems, my fears, my disappointments are just as inconsequential...thus not worth fretting about!

The second movie that pushed me to question my real-seeming-life was Inception. My take away from Inception is not about possibility of stealing ideas from someone's mind or bigger still - planting the seed of an idea in someone's mind. That, I understand, is fantasy world. The concept of dreams becoming more real than reality and possibility of building alternative reality basis shared dreams is my take from this movie.

For someone who rarely remembers any of his dreams, this concept of dreams becoming more real than reality was quite a leap. Almost similar to the idea that The Matrix had - reality is not necessarily as we know it, as we feel it, as we see it, as we understand it...how can I be absolutely certain that I am not just a computer generated entity living on commands given to me, within the scope allowed OR just a projection of someone's mind, in his / her dream!

Human Mirrors

“Look in the mirror and one thing is sure: what we see is not who we are.” ― Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever: A True Love Story

There is something fascinating about mirrors, something mystical actually. Mirrors allow us to see things about ourselves that are as is - also allow us to visualise who we would want to be. This vision of reality & visualisation of fantasy are some of the truest moments of our day, which are becoming increasingly rare. Either scenario - not seeing the reality and not being able to visualise our fantasy is linked to losing a bit of confidence, a bit of faith and a bit of our ability to dream.

Pressures of daily life, experiences that have changed us, feeling of limitations that has crept in, responsibilities that have piled-on over time...are just some of the parameters that lead to creation of a changed perception of ourselves in our mind...leading to losing touch with both, the reality as is and the fantasy that we would want to carry in our dreams.

The life we lead becomes our reality, not realising just because we are flowing with the flow - it is necessarily the reality. We have the power to change course of our lives and thus, change the reality itself. We don't even see the possibility of an alternative reality, however small difference there is in the alternative from the present.

Over a period of time I have come to understand that there are 2 kinds of mirrors - inanimate & animate mirrors. The former is, obviously, easier to understand - these are the mirrors, the objects that show us our reflection and we find them at various places around us.

The inanimate mirrors are just objects that, when added with introspection, show us the reality and allow us to take a moment to think about the fantasy we once had for ourselves...this moment at times can be enough for us to start visualising that fantasy once again...to remind us of the path we would want to be on...to reignite a spark inside us to get closer to that fantasy. Unfortunately, this moment of time, which may have renewed our interest in our fantasy, is nothing but a moment of time and fades away - sooner than later. Rarely the renewed spark, brought out in that moment, is strong enough to offset the reasons that subdued the spark in the first place.

What I call animate mirrors are actually humans or 'human mirrors'. There are certain people, whom we come across and immediately connect with. This connection is more than just like-mindedness...it is deeper, it is stronger...it is about understanding  each and every aspect about the other person. In order to clarify this further, I am suggesting understanding the other person, not accepting or appreciating everything about the other person. 

With human mirrors, I believe the connection is strong due to similarities between the two individuals...similarities of background, similarities in outlook, similarities in attitude, similarities in dreams and fears, similarities in understanding of this world and life in general...similarities in self-image. I will rather extend this to say that human mirrors, have mirroring nature & habits, hopes & dreams, fears & pain...

It is not difficult to imagine that finding even one person in our life, with such similarities and understanding is a rarity and thus nothing short of God's gift.

Much like the inanimate mirrors, the animate mirrors help us see our reality of the moment and also, have the ability and to remind us of what we would want to be...essentially, bring out our subdued and forgotten visions and dreams. They have the understanding to see alternative realities for us and the willingness to suggest we do something about making the change.

Standing in front of the 'human mirrors' for long, or even meeting them often or, for that matter speaking with them on a regular basis is not important...irrespective of the geographical distance and the time lapsed since the last communication exchange, 'human mirrors' never lose the ability to work as mirrors.

It is important to note that all that has been said above about human mirrors, stands quite true for friends in general. However, there is a slight difference between friends and human mirrors. A friend may not hold on to the willingness to become a mirror - thus may not be able to continue to understand the other person after a period of time. This gap in willingness, compromises not just the ability to completely understand the other person, but also the ability to show reality and the vision for future. And this, in my view is the simple difference between a friend and a human mirror!

A human mirror shall never lose this understanding & willingness...A human mirror shall never show a distorted view...a human mirror shall never show an image just to please.

Island of Convenience

Having already written about my dislike for society's interference in my life - and my inability to care for social norms (the ones that I don't want to follow) - I am writing this post as part of further realisation on this subject.

Earlier, I have written that I would want to be left alone, also - being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely...all that still holds. The added realisation - is that the 'pseudo rebel' in me is a rebel when people ask me to do something for sake of social acceptance. The simplest fact is - I want to do things, when I want to do them and how I want to do them. This includes some of the very same societal norms that I wouldn't normally care to follow.

The realisation that has dawned on me, with experience, pain and churning of ideas...is that no person is an island and thus, cannot survive on his / her own - completely independent of the society. How-much-so-ever I may want to be that independent, deep down I do need certain people, certain amount of human touch...if nothing else, just someone to talk to!

This entire realisation has led me to develop a concept - Island of Convenience. This in its basic sense means: "I am on an island, away from societal norms & working - for as long as I want to be. I shall come over to the mainland and mingle with other people, as and when I feel like. I will do things, when & how I feel like...".

Island of convenience is nothing more than a make believe safe haven, where I feel in control (even if fictitiously) and has just me and anyone that I want for my company.

In my opinion, every single person has this island of convenience - difference could be the amount of time they actually spend on this island. My guess is: married / live-in couples manage to spend lesser time on this island than those who are single - people staying in joint families manage to spend lesser time on this island than those who are staying alone or in nuclear family set-up...However, there could be similarities among the people in these groups regarding how much time they would ideally want to spend on this island of convenience.

I call this a make believe safe haven because in reality we are still a part of the society at large. It is only in our mind that we are away on our island of convenience. Problem that arises due to this conflict between reality and illusion - is quite obvious.

Our words & our actions definitely differ between the reality (society as we know it) and the make believe (island of convenience). Since the make believe is for us to be in control, we act and react in a manner that pleases us the most...most often without giving a thought to how our actions / reactions would impact people around us (especially the ones who matter).

Ever so often, we end up hurting people, doing things wrong, making a fool of ourselves - because we forget whether we are operating within the make believe or the reality.

With some considerable thought to this, I think the summary to this is: much like everything else in this life, the Island on convenience that we make for ourselves has its own share of good & bad. It works wonders in getting our balance right - between how we, as individuals, manage life in the society and on our own. However, it does come with one potential problem - being on the island on convenience for too long makes an individual incapable of understanding and accepting the good that society has to offer. These individuals get into a mode of denial - to deny their need for other people in their life, to deny their need to feel pain, to deny their need to need anything from anyone...reaching such a level is certainly not healthy. Since I definitely believe, I am one such individual - I think the realisation of downside of being on my island of convenience is quite an eye-opener.

Challenge for people who spend more time on their island of convenience than reality - is to make room for people who genuinely care for them, for ideas that genuinely are for their benefit and for love & happiness that may come from unexpected corners. Such people, such ideas and such unexpected corners have to be allowed in, have to be accepted and this can only happen if we allow ourselves to lose just a little bit of control.

Being One's True Self Is Over-rated!

It is quite often said, almost abused - "I am my true self only with you!". There is nothing wrong with emphasising on 'only with you" - rather, it is in the 'true self' bit. Do we even know our true self? Do we even understand what is this 'self', as a creature, a person, its true-ness, its meaning...do we really understand?

An extrovert will not always feel comfortable in company of people...an introvert will not always be the quietest one...an optimist will not always manage to stay positive and a pessimist will still be hopeful (more often than he / she would like to admit)...a matured thinker would still want to be in touch with inner child...children often act more matured than adults...people in love do hate certain things about their partners...there is usually something to respect in the people we hate...a good friend could secretly want more...a confidant could betray...there are just about any and all possibilities for people to either do things that were not expected of them or do things in a manner that they themselves didn't know they were capable of!

We definitely act / react differently, we change...I don't know how we could cling on to the hypothesis - there is a true-self! At best, there is a sense of an outline to the true self, which we maintain more often than not...but definitely don't live within all the time.

We change because of external forces, experiences over time, learning from past mistakes... making us act / react differently - to same / similar situations & people over a period of time. It is rather futile to expect people to remain the same and react in an expected manner all through. More-over, there is this thing about being moody - how has been our day, how has been our mood at that moment - such small things could make us act / react in a manner that is not considered our 'true-self'!

The challenges, the priorities, the fears, the excitement that ruled our thoughts a decade ago, no longer remain and get replaced with a different set of challenges, priorities, fears...thus, how we live our lives today is different from how we lived a decade ago and how we will be living a decade from now!

My question is: if our basic priorities have changed, the basic need to do things has changed - where is the concept of 'true self'? Each phase of life sees a different version of 'true self' - I would even risk saying, each compartment of life (in same phase), sees a different 'true self'...why then are we so bothered about this concept?

It is almost impossible to categorise ourselves in a manner that will hold true in all situations, under all circumstances and irrespective of things at stake. I think the issue is not about being 'true self' with someone - instead it is a matter of being comfortable with someone. We, mistakenly, confuse the comfort of being accepted by someone as being allowed to be our true self.

Finding the true self, or the person we can be our true self with is not important...rather, it is important to be true! The bigger challenge is not being true actually, but knowing what is true...

My Promise!

If a bad patch comes and shit hits the fan

If things go wrong

If love is forgotten along the way

I will still stay positive & strong

If anger blocks out everything

If logic & reasoning become meaningless

If all bridges seem burned down

I will still not become loveless

If our future together begins to look dim

If all looks bad and end seems near

If only sadness & pain remain

I will still take care of you, my dear

If running away becomes the only option

If there is no light, only despair

If thoughts of killing the relationship become stronger

I will still be looking for ways to repair

If time is up, with nothing more to do or say

If all the frustrations start choking

If going separate ways comes closer to reality

I will still try to save us and no matter what, continue trying

If our ship starts to sink

If all efforts are done, but fail

If you are no where in sight

I will still, somehow, anyhow - find you and never bail!